so here goes…

So, here I am, a widow at 45. I’ve never been good at the dating thing, I had the same boyfriend through high school and college, and I’ve been married for the past 16 years.  During the time I was single from 25 to 29, it was mostly random hook-ups, I just didn’t want to get attached to anyone.

I’m pretty independent, I don’t need someone to take care of me. I just miss sex. I have a high sex drive.  I did sleep with a 22-yr-old acquaintance of my late husband. It proved to me I could still be with someone else. It didn’t hurt that he was incredibly hot. However, he made it clear that it was just casual, and I went into it knowing that. We were together 4 times, but I haven’t heard from him for a couple of weeks, and I think he has a girlfriend now.

Women get screwed by biology. Yes, we get to bear the young. But we also are victims of oxytocin, the bonding hormone.  One of the times it’s created is during orgasm. So, if we sleep with the same guy more than a few times, we start to bond with them. Guys can f*ck around all they like, because it doesn’t affect them like it does us.  I wish I had gone into neuropsychopharmacology, so I could create a drug that would block oxytocin, for women who like me who just want to get laid without complications.

I’m not saying I don’t want a relationship, I just want to have more control. I want to be able to keep from getting attached to some guy just because we have sex. Just being honest.

I have signed up for several dating sites, both the regular kind and the hookup kind… I made it very clear in my profile that I much prefer younger men, and that I’m very unconventional. I’m a freak, but not a total freak… I want sex all the time, but I want it with one person. Sex is better when you know each other, because you know what turns each other on.

So I have chatted a bit with one guy, C—, who’s 48.  I really prefer younger guys, mostly because guys my age in general look soooo old. I don’t look my age, most people don’t believe me when I tell them how old I am, they just assume I’m in my early 30’s.  Plus, older guys have trouble in the stamina department. But I saw this guy’s profile, it intrigued me. He sent me a couple of explicit messages. The site is one of those will let each person send 1 message free, then after than if you don’t subscribe, you can’t read anything. I didn’t realize that, and because I was interested in the guy, I created another profile to send him a message with one of my emails, but he said he doesn’t give out his email. (Seriously, it’s so easy to set up an email, I have one just for the dating sites, and there’s no way I could find out who he was unless his name was in the address). He told me to subscribe to the site. I really didn’t want to, and I don’t have a credit card. But I got a Walmart reloadable Visa, and signed up for a month. They tell you it’s 29.95 for 1 month, then they try to charge you a 24.99 activation fee. When I saw that, I cancelled the transaction, then they sent me an email telling me the fee was waived, so I went ahead and signed up.

The night before last, I chatted with him for about 5 mins (it was late and he was pretty sure he was going to get called into work, so he said he needed to get to bed) and it was more explicit stuff about how he wanted to make me come over and over again. Which made me hot, I will admit. But I haven’t heard from him since. I have the site’s messenger on my computer, and I saw that he signed in last night, but I don’t know if he read my messages, he didn’t reply.  So he acted like he was all interested, then nothing. So I probably wasted $30.

The thing that annoys me is that guys don’t read my profile past the wanting a partner with a high sex drive. It clearly says I am not interested in older guys, but I keep getting old guys wanting to chat or “winking” at me. Ugh. If you can’t take time to read the whole profile, I am not interested. I’m an anomaly, I guess. I’m pretty complex and I’m beginning to think I am not going find someone who gets me. At my age, I’m pretty comfortable with who I am, I know what I like and what I don’t, and I’m not interested in changing to suit someone else. Either you like me the way I am or you don’t. Likewise, I’m not interested in changing a guy either.

I knew internet dating wouldn’t be easy, but there really isn’t anyway for me to meet anyone, there’s no one at work, and I don’t go out to the bars.



One thought on “so here goes…

  1. wobsy says:

    Hope everything turns out as you would wish it to.
    Good post

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s